:]

&!05;

2007-08-17T23:17:00Z

As of this past Monday, I'm officially a senior in high school and will be graduating on May 20. There were only a few frustrating things that went along with it, not to mention all the chaos, confusion, and a schedule that's all out of whack.

I showed up on the first day, knowing exactly where to go and what to do. Homeroom - to receive our schedules for that school year; I, especially, due to being new to the school and the school system, for that matter. Come to find out, there is absolutely no fifth period on my schedule. At all. One, two, three, four, six is how it went and instead of being put in production, I'm put in acting. Obviously, there's nothing that I can do because of the fact that the councilors refuse to see anyone unless they're the person that they've called for at that time, so I'm stuck with a class that I'm not wanting to take and without a class for fifth period.

As of a few days ago, I'm not going to have English sixth period, either, thanks to the new 75 new freshman that enrolled on Monday to AHS.

I talked to my dad about my birthday, one last time and explained to him how I felt about the whole thing of my boyfriend not being able to visit then. The whole reason as to why he's never allowed to visit is because of the fact that my dad says "no" every single time I even mention his name or anything about him coming to see me. Plus, it's kind of ridiculous that Dad says that because he's "never met my boyfriend and had him around the house," which obviously that's not going to happen if he constantly disapproves of the visitations. So, we went through a whole big discussion about that and how he has expectations for me. And how those expectations he has for me and I have for myself are different and that despite the differences or whatever, it shouldn't matter. Plus, there's always going to be something about the person that I date that he's not going to like, and if he never says "yes" to my boyfriend, then I'm definitely going to keep bringing guys around that he'll say no to and not even no but "hell no!"

So, after all of that, he finally made an agreement with me to let him spend the day with me and have dinner with the family. I'm beyond excited that he's coming because I haven't seen him in ages. (Yes, I'll take and post pictures of the two of us.) Next Sunday!

My life has been looking up ever since school, and I'm enjoying it all for what it's worth. School's been helping me keep busy and get over this move, which is good. Plus, it's helping me be around other kids my age and that certainly helps to be around them (despite feeling like I'm in a Mean Girl's nightmare, sometimes). I've become a lot happier and upbeat. I'm enjoying everything for what it's worth.

&!04;

2007-08-11T02:35:20Z

Whoa, it's been quite a while since I'd last posted an entry in this or had been active, for that matter.

First things first: I did enjoy my trip to Massachusetts that I had talked about in my previous entry, and I'll post pictures from that soon. Being up there really opened my eyes to a few things and helped so much towards getting all the things that had been bothering me previous to the trip off my mind. It was nice to have a clear head, for once, instead of being full of jumbled up thoughts and emotions. I, at one point, got scared because of the fact that my great-grandparents are getting old and are soon to not be around, anymore; I couldn't help but to start tearing up.

I start school on Monday; I'm a bit scared and excited at the same time. I'm ready to get this year over with because I'm ready to be done with high school. I was glad to know that I don't have to take a math class this year, since I got all of the required ones out of the way. And that the councilor that I spoke to said that she was going to talk to some people and see if I can take a somewhat photography course. I have to take chemistry this year, even though it wasn't a requirement in AL (previous to moving), but I was told that I have to take it. That it "helps towards allowing your brain to think in ways that get you ready for college." Yeah, sounded like a bunch of hoopla to me. However, I'm pretty stoked to take my psychology/sociology course, as I had planned to before I moved when I talked to councilors going into my 11th grade year. So, I'm glad that the two things that I plan on going to college for are still what I'm partially going to high school for.

My birthday's two Sundays from this upcoming, and there's only a few things that I'd absolutely die for. Two of them being able to see people that matter most to me. My dad flat-out told me that he disapproved of my boyfriend and I, and that he has for quite some time but didn't want to say anything about it because he knew that it'd upset me. So, of course, I have to wait even longer to see him, again. And I know that I'm not going to be able to go to Alabama for the Blacklisted show (at Cave 9) this weekend. Or Robin's birthday. Or the weekend of my birthday. Truthfully, it sucks that all of that isn't going to happen, but I'm working like hell to keep my chin up with all of it.

&!03;

2007-07-19T23:17:31Z

Okay, so I realize that I've been slacking on updating my journal, and this upcoming week, it's going to be the same because I leave for Massachusetts on Sunday and won't be returning until the following Friday - Saturday. Hopefully, I'll get some good photography work in while I'm up there, though.

Currently on my mind:
My friendships with people - I miss so many people from back in Birmingham, home if you'd enjoy calling it that, and I feel like I'm constantly being replaced because I'm not there, anymore. Hurt and frustrated are both understatements when referring to the topic that is causing thoughts to rush through my head and keep it in a blur.

I was looking through memories of one of the first friendships that I had when I moved to Birmingham from St. Petersburg, Florida, and how it grew into the two of us being best friends up until he left for military school in ninth grade, and when he returned, I faced the realization of the fact that it wasn't the same person. He'd changed more than I ever realized anyone could change, and that our friendship was fading, fast. I spend tons of time confronting him about how much I missed him and wished I was still friends with that person. The more that he told me that he missed it too, the more that I felt like I was being lied to beyond compare. Still when he says it, I feel that way. Like it doesn't mean anything to him, and I just want to tell him to bring back that person that I grew to be best friends with in eighth grade when we spent hours on the phone talking to each other about whatever problems we had or whatever was on our minds and how he'd play guitar while I sang softly. I wish so much that I had that best friend back, but I know that he'll never go back to that.

All the pacts that we've made with each other aren't quite there, anymore. All the promises that we made have been broken in some way. All the things that I say to him when he needs encouragement, obviously, mean nothing to him, anymore. Although, all the things that he said to me, all the laughs that we'd had, the few drives that we had in his car to shows, the trouble that we got in together in class, the fights that we got into that caused me to think for two seconds that I hated him, and everything else are still in my mind.

With another friendship, I feel like I have to conform to what she wants me to be and work around her schedule, otherwise I'm going to lose her as my friend. Her and I became such great friends in such a short period of time because I helped with her relationship that got fucked up at my sixteenth birthday party with the boyfriend she was in a relationship with at that time. When we were together, it was like there wasn't anything else that mattered beside how much fun we could have at that point in time, but as I left, I had the feeling of being replaced in the back of my head. Like, she was going to go out at find someone else to have a blast with and share all the inside jokes we once had together with another best friend. With her, I feel like I'm like a big sister, and it's my job to keep her out of falling into the wrong crowd because I've had it happen to someone that reminded me of her, before.

Plus, I'm full of second, third, fourth, and fifth chances when it comes to people that I care so much about. Hoping and wishing that they'd change into something better than what they are. Like there's a little good in everyone. I don't see the negative points in people, no matter how much I've been hurt; I always look for the positive.

On a happier note, I'm working on getting my relationship with Christ back on track. I felt so good to pick up my Bible and read through verses that I had written on the inside back cover and had highlighted from when I used to go to Healing Waters. Some of them when I read, I couldn't help but to get a warm feeling in my heart like that's what I've been needing, lately. Reassurance to this move; that I'm definitely going to hit rough spots, but I'm going to turn out okay. I just have to keep my chin up.

I received my new camera in the mail, yesterday, and I absolutely love it! Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend that bought it for me because he wants to help me further my photography dreams. Today, I received my Terror and John Mayer CDs in the mail, that I've been stressing over their arrivals, finally. Both of which I enjoy to extremes.

A photograph that I took, today, with my new camera of Carson and Evelynn: two of the most photogenic (and two of my favorite) kids, ever. Watching them, when they actually get along, is the cutest.

&!02;

2007-07-10T02:20:48Z

Wow, I'm seriously glad that today's over. No, I'm not saying that because it was bad; I'm just saying that because of things that occurred. The fact that I was homesick didn't help all that much, and it would have helped if I would have talked to a few of the people that I really enjoy talking to whenever I get into that mood. However, I do feel bad for the fact that I shut my body down and just stopped talking to the two people that were trying to help, one of them being my boyfriend.

On the other hand, I was looking through old Livejournals that I'd posted in. All from my first two years from high school and the summers in between. Both of which kind of made me laugh because my thought process is still similar when it comes to certain topics. When I came across one that said that I didn't like liars, fakes, and hypocrites, I couldn't help but to laugh because the thought of people like that still leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Patrick had that tone of signaling that I was somewhat of an idiot when I was reading that to him. Plus, I was reading past incidences that I've been through, and I never realized how much drama I allowed into my life until I look back at them. Or that I did change like my father and I had been talking about. He and I talked about how I was, at one point, so concerned with what people thought of me and what I could do to fit in. Then, he told me that he realized that I was never satisfied when I did that; that I was always much happier doing my own thing.

Plus, for the first time in ages, I checked my E-mail. Yeah, a horrible habit that I have is checking my E-mail like once a month and realize that I have a few from my mother. Just little reminders of how much she cares about me and just little "thinking of you" type things. And they bring a smile to my face whenever I come across them. Anyhow, I look at my contacts and what two names come into my line of sight? Brent Wallace and David Focci. That instant, I feel my stomach turn into knots.

Those two names are of boys that I talked to a few years back, both not ending on a happy note.

Brent was the one that got me into the hardcore scene back in Birmingham and whenever I went to shows, he'd be the first one that I'd say "hey" to. Invited me to his 18th birthday party and seemed to like me. Sure enough, it was just a case of misunderstandings. And one thing lead to another, and he wound up hating me. Never talked to him, again. When I attempted to after a period of time had passed, nothing positive came from it, just a lecture on why was I talking to him.

David was the one that I talked to and always seemed to know how to say little things to make me feel better whenever I seemed to be down. Not to mention, he was the one that taught me not to believe all those little petty lies guys tell you. In that instance, I got hurt. Bad. We always made plans, but he was always too busy for the girl that he supposedly liked. Finally, I stepped up and said something about it. He got pissed off because of it. A huge fight was what that turned into, and I've attempted to talk to him once since. I was reminded that he hates me and always will. And that I should never talk to him ever again.

Despite all of it, I still wish the best for them and wonder the common "what ifs."

Anyhow, I received a few E-mails from my mom. One probably being a little funny story that she forwarded on to me because she thought it'd brighten my day; I didn't have the patience to sit and read it at the point in time. But the other, I opened and found an ad for a photography contest. I figured "what the hell" and submitted a photograph that I took. I didn't think about the one that I submitted; I just browsed through them and picked one of my favorites. Mom and I agreed that if I want to become something in the photography industry, I might as well start somewhere. We'll see. :)

&!01;

2007-07-09T00:13:49Z

Okay, so I gave in; I decided to make a LiveJournal account in order to have a place to store my thoughts, but be capable of having feedback from people, as well. I'm sure that I won't get all that much, but it's worth a try, right?!

I created a new account due to a new journey, so to speak, in my life: moving to Memphis, not to mention that I'm going into my senior year of high school. Sure, I'll post things from that, but as well, whatever is on my mind, and I feel like announcing to the public. Store some of my photographs that I take as well? Who knows.

Anyhow, here are my current annoyances:
1. Underage drinking and smoking: By underage I'm saying teenagers - ages, roughly, from twelve to seventeen - smoking and drinking, then taking pictures of their activities only to post them up on the Web. Seriously, yesterday, every one in third person's page I went to, there was at least one photograph of them and/or their friends with either a bottle, or can, of an alcoholic beverage in their hand. Or there was a photograph of them and/or their friends with cigarettes. What're you trying to prove with this?! That you're "oh so rad" for the fact that you're going capable of getting your hands on things like that, even though it's supposed to be illegal for you? Big deal.

Isn't it funny that you tell so many people that you attempt to live life like today's going to be your last, or that you want to live it to the fullest when you're out there putting things like that into your body that lowers your chances of living days here? Wake up and smell the coffee.

2. Bashing the beliefs of people: Sure, it's kind of ironic, and a little hypocritical, that I list this right after I get done asking what the deal is with teenagers thinking it's cool to drink and smoke, but what's up with putting people down because they don't see eye to eye with you? I understand that everyone's full of imperfections, and they're all full of hypocritical moments, but just because someone's faith is different than yours, that they're not as "Christ-like" as you are, for being an Atheist, or for being homosexual while you're heterosexual? All of which, make me so red in the face with frustration. Christians, especially, saying that someone's in the wrong or pointing out that someone's not following the word of God to the T. I'm sure that Matthew said something about judging others; for those of you that feel like looking it up, feel free. For those of you that don't here it is for you:

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way that you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye any pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from the other person's eye.

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. - Matthew 7:1-6.

3. Letting people get the best of you: I’m sorry that someone happened to rain on your parade, I really am. However, you’re the one that allowed them to do so; the only person that can ever make your day a bad one is yourself. So, you wake up in the morning, saying to yourself “today’s going to be a good day, today’s going to be a good day,” and you repeat it to yourself throughout the day. Then, bam! Someone’s said one thing or another that got under your skin, and you’re day is trashed, right?! Wrong, brush it off and keep going. No one can stop you if you don't let them. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

4. Hating parents/guardians: How on Earth could you say such a thing?! Parents, especially; if it wasn't for them, no one knows where you'd be right now, or even if you'd be for that matter. They were the ones that made the choice to put you here, on this wonderful planet, and show you what it has to offer. Sure, your life isn't perfect, and your parents tell you "no." Everyone's life isn't perfect, and I'm sure that everyone's parents, at some point, have given them the answer of disagreement. Half the things that you post through bulletins on MYspace or any other website that talks negatively towards your parents, you wouldn't even think twice to say to their face. So, why say it here? Or, at all for that matter.

From the time that you were born to the time that you become an independent adult, they provide plenty for you and want the best for you. Are they not the ones that put a roof over your head, food in your stomach, clothes on your back, and shoes on your feet? And if your parents can't provide that, then don't they make sure that someone's capable of caring for you? But, you decide that you don't get the answer you want, so you degrade them through hateful words to your friends. Think about it the next time it happens.

5. Teenagers: Yes, people my age; I am annoyed with those of related capacity towards me. Many upon many reasons as to why, too. No amount of time would allow me to explain fully as to why I say this, but I've grown to hate the teen aged species because it's just a bunch of people pleasers, liars, fakes, and overly annoying people that make me want to pull my hair out. Not to mention, the fact that so many think that they're better than the next; I, personally, don't think that I'm better than anyone, although it may come across that way. And the way that they say "I love you, baby" within 24 hours of having someone be their boyfriend/girlfriend. No wonder why the word is so cliche and overrated.

Love is a feeling that grows over time and is something that's unconditional. You don't just say it, then morph into loving someone. That's how feelings get hurt.

Note! I'm, roughly, a month away from turning seventeen: August 26th. I'm straight edge, however, that doesn't make me bias towards the first topic that I vented about, at all. I was baptized as a Catholic when I was a baby, and I've been raised in a Catholic family. I've questioned my faith, and at one point, believed that there wasn't such a thing as Christ because He wouldn't allow half the things that occur in life to do such a thing, and I've had beliefs shoved down my throat due to that and had it roughen up friendships with friends. All that is written are opinions of mine; not influenced by anyone, strictly myself. Feel free to discuss any of it with me if you'd wish. :)